Christmas 2009

This was a transitional Christmas. It was the last Christmas of the decade. It was my youngest child's first Christmas. It was my first Christmas being unemployed, and God willing my last. It seems a fitting end to a hard yet wonderful year. My 4 children crowded around the tree. They can't wait to see what they got. They don't know what it is, but they know it's good.

I awoke before the kids that morning. I felt a heavy weight. All I could focus on is how I have failed my family so many times. How many times I put my needs ahead of theirs. How many times I have personally failed to be not only to be the Father and husband they need, but to be the man the God wants. I sank below this feeling, and before I could get a chance to wallow I looked at the gifts they we had gotten. I've had Christmases with much more under the tree for less people, but when I thought about the people God has lead to help us out. The clearance at the thrift store where Sarah found 20, nearly untouched high quality children's books for pocket change. If it were Barnes and Noble it would have cost hundreds of dollars. This was enough to give me pause. Then I starting thinking about all the people that have blessed us over the past 6 months. Then I starting thinking about all the people before that blessed us before that. Then I started to weigh that against myself. Against my own decisions. Not to sound old fashion, but my sin. It didn't add up. This shouldn't be happening. I should be foreclosing on this house. I should be alone for the way I've treated my family, yet here I am looking at a picture perfect Christmas...Then I thought about Jesus. I was in a Good Friday mood on Christmas. He was born to die. Born to forgive. Born so we can start over.

My prayer for this new decade is hope. That God will make a place in me that hope never dies. Like Thomas I need help with my unbelief, but I know this place is just a poor reflection, but sometimes, even a poor reflection can shine bright.

Merry Christmas.
Happy New Year