Inertia

I read a review for "Creation". It's a British film chronicling Charles Darwin's life as he struggled to write and publish his controversial and world-changing book "Origin of Species". Wherein he introduces the world to the concept of evolution and coined the phrase "survival of the fittest." I know the reviewer generally panned it as "uninteresting", but the overall concept was well intentioned, just ill-conceived. What stuck out to me was Darwin's fear of what the book and his theory would do to not just the world, but his wife, a devout Christian. If there is no God, and this is all, life, just a struggle to survive and adapt, and there is no greater Kingdom or purpose what becomes us? When the inertia of intellect and intellect of the Spirit collide, what then? I found myself pondering this. Regardless of your opinions of Evolution or the concept of a Godless universe, or at least a ruddlerless universe. What would it be like if life was devoid of purpose or guiding force? It seems as impossible as God creating a universe in 6 days. Our souls know this doesn't add up. To deny that evidence of God or intelligent designer is the same as denying the fossil record or carbon dating. What then does one make of this conflict? I'm not a scientist, but being as trendy as the next hipster I'm pridefully addicted to jargon and so I desperately want to be an expert on all topics. However, time, my attention span, and my broader interests don't allow me to dive into this arena in anyway adequate to come to anything resembling a definitive answer, and unless someone invents a time machine, no one else can know either really. The reason I bring this up is I had something of a faith crisis the last couple of weeks. I would love to feed you the cliche of I was just struggling and this struggle grew my faith, well, actually it kind of did, but at the time it was as close to an outright denial as I've ever come to. Let me break it down. I was feeling sorry for myself because I still don't have full-time work. On top of that I had a tough week at my contract job. I let this stress really get to me, and to be blunt I was pretty abusive verbally to my family. I'd hear the typical news of the recession on the news, and how the banks get huge bonuses while others lose their house, and how I may be facing that very real specter soon. I thought about everything that went down at Harvest, and how can a church do that to a family. I thought about the quake in Haiti and all the suffering there. About all the innocent children who either died, or were maimed or orphaned. The killer was a conversation I had with Sarah. She told me very honestly, "I don't know who you are, we have to live together, but I can't have a relationship with you while you're like this. I have to treat you like a roommate. I have to protect my kids." I wonder how many men hear something like this from their wives, and never in a million years thought they would ever hear it? And I wonder how many more would know they're right? I knew she was right, and it destroyed me, like nothing else has ever destroyed me. So, I did the mature rational thing. I cursed God. I told Him, "If You're real and let these things happen than you're cruel. If You're not real, than I won't waste my breath because that's all I have left." I would like to say that God showed up right then, but I believe God is not "punked". Whatever a man sows that shall he also reap.
Inertia. Inertia is the resistance of any physical object to a change in its state of motion. It takes two things to put an object in motion time, and energy. I spent a lot of time being self-focused. I spent a lot of energy on my career. Even when presented with an opportunity to change stopping that selfish train was much harder than I could have imagined. Even when presented with all the blessings I received this summer and fall I resisted. The mass and energy of my past pushed forward despite best intentions.
I got a call today from my mortgage lender today. They are modifying my loan. The 4 months of back payments have been erased and I start with a clean slate on March 1st. Praise God!
I spent the last few months waiting for pre-foreclosure to start, trying to figure out how I was going to come up with the thousands of dollars to keep my family from becoming homeless. Now I have a new deal. It was at the moment when the ruminations of the past few months and weeks coalesced into a single collective truth. Grace makes inertia, inert. In other words grace defeats your past, defeats your literally and figurative demons. Its the hand that stops the wrecking ball. It also defeats the logic of survival of the fittest, because it has no interest in self. It's completely illogical, yet sets the world right. Grace evokes change. Grace is how we evolve. I used inertia in a negative context, but inertia like most things can be used for good or evil. What would my life be like if I consistently wrote? What would my life be like if I consistently sought God in prayer? What would things be like if I consistently read and studied the Bible? What would my life be like if I acted on what I really know to be the truth? What if I gave to the poor? What if I got involved in helping the helpless? What if I joined in on the inertia of grace and love? If this is what I sow, what will I reap?

Christmas 2009

This was a transitional Christmas. It was the last Christmas of the decade. It was my youngest child's first Christmas. It was my first Christmas being unemployed, and God willing my last. It seems a fitting end to a hard yet wonderful year. My 4 children crowded around the tree. They can't wait to see what they got. They don't know what it is, but they know it's good.

I awoke before the kids that morning. I felt a heavy weight. All I could focus on is how I have failed my family so many times. How many times I put my needs ahead of theirs. How many times I have personally failed to be not only to be the Father and husband they need, but to be the man the God wants. I sank below this feeling, and before I could get a chance to wallow I looked at the gifts they we had gotten. I've had Christmases with much more under the tree for less people, but when I thought about the people God has lead to help us out. The clearance at the thrift store where Sarah found 20, nearly untouched high quality children's books for pocket change. If it were Barnes and Noble it would have cost hundreds of dollars. This was enough to give me pause. Then I starting thinking about all the people that have blessed us over the past 6 months. Then I starting thinking about all the people before that blessed us before that. Then I started to weigh that against myself. Against my own decisions. Not to sound old fashion, but my sin. It didn't add up. This shouldn't be happening. I should be foreclosing on this house. I should be alone for the way I've treated my family, yet here I am looking at a picture perfect Christmas...Then I thought about Jesus. I was in a Good Friday mood on Christmas. He was born to die. Born to forgive. Born so we can start over.

My prayer for this new decade is hope. That God will make a place in me that hope never dies. Like Thomas I need help with my unbelief, but I know this place is just a poor reflection, but sometimes, even a poor reflection can shine bright.

Merry Christmas.
Happy New Year

Thanks you's and Niamh and I learn about Pride

Wow, I'm a lazy blogger, but I'm starting my new years resolutions early this year.  I'm going to work out a little everyday and write a little everyday.  (Don't expect a blog entry everyday.  I'm also trying to write a screenplay.  "Trying", being the operative word).
  I wan to say thank you again for everyone who helped out with the concert in October.  Again, without it my family and I would be facing down homelessness.  Now, instead God's blessing with more than we can imagine.   I still do not have a full-time job, but I've been able to work part-time contract at Judson, as well as teach at Columbia, and produce Corporate videos, as well as still getting gifts from near strangers.  It's odd have three bosses all the time and no benefits, but being able to pay a bill is very good feeling, which brings me to my next point...
   Pride, or rather humility, or should I say Pride vs. Humility.  My 8 year old daughter Niamh a couple of days ago began to develop a fairly strong defiant streak, well, at least for her.  For instance she'd get on the computer and start playing a game when I asked her to pick up her room, and she'd pretend I wasn't there.  At first I thought I wasn't getting her attention, but as I said it for the third time she finally said in a voice slightly louder than a whisper, "I only want to do what I want to do."  Of course I was a little upset and explained that that was unacceptable, but throughout the day this phrase was repeated in one instance after another, with the volume and physical body language becoming more exaggerated with each outburst.  Finally, I had had enough and we had a talk in her room alone.
Sometimes I struggle with my faith in fundamental ways, like, "Is God real or a social construct",  "Is my belief in God a well developed evolutionary survival mechanism."  You know man having become self-aware needs a reason to survive and thrive besides that fact that his body is telling him to.  Sorry, my life long Christian friends.  I went to public school, so I think about these things sometimes.  However, I know there is a God  when I say things that make profound sense.  I am an idiot most of time, and simple not saying anything the rest of the time, but occasionally I'll say something that as Banyan would say on Seinfeld, "It's gold Jerry!  Pure Gold!"
"Niamh, you have a pride problem, and pride will eventually take everything away from you."  I think I looked around to see who said it, but I know where it came from.  "You want the computer and toys, and friendships, but if you want it all just for you no one will give it to you.  Everything you wanted today I would have given you, but you didn't ask, and you decided you knew better, but none of that worked out because you didn't stop to ask me."  This is true.  I'm not a narcissists.  I'm looking out for her best interest as well as her siblings.  I see the big picture that she cannot see.  I now realized at this point I was speaking to my daughter but could have just as easily been listening to God.  I was blind to it but I thought I knew better.  I thought I had something to do with the blessings I had.  It's ALL a gift.  You have nothing to do with anything you have or don't have.  You're always where God wants you to be.  You just have to ask Him what He thinks.  What's His will, not mine?
   This hit home, but the story of Moses sealed the deal.  She's very familiar with Moses so all I had to say was,  "What happened to Pharaoh?"  "He died," she said.  "Before that." "I don't remember."  "Remember the plagues?  Each time God gave him a chance to do the right thing, and each time he said no.  Do you know why it was so hard for the Pharaoh to let the Hebrews go?" "Why?"  "Because once you let pride in it takes over.  You have to stop it as it knocks at your heart.  You have to tell it to go away as soon as you start wanting everything your way.  Even if you have to do it in Jesus name.  Pharaoh had it all and lost everything because of pride, even his son."  By this point Niamh was crying (I was a little too), but we had both learned a valuable lesson, she learned I was reminded I should say that we can't go it alone.  We need God.  We need others.  I don't care how badass you are you were not created to be insular and completely self-sufficient.  In fact it's pretty badass to have a connection with God and your fellow man.  In other words it's pretty sweet to be zen!

Making Strides

Woke up to a glorious day!  bathed in sunlight, a relief from the varying shades of gray that we've experienced here in Illinois over the past several weeks.  Although, cold it's dry, but by God I'll take it at least it's not wet.  Sarah decided last minute to go, just her and Niamh,  to the Making Strides for Breast Cancer Walk at Chicago Premium Outlets, instead of all of us.  It's just as well, the younger ones didn't understand what it's about, and probably won't last very long in the cold.  We all go through a various personal tragedies, but we're not meant to bear them alone.   My wife's cousin, and good friend Christina Berger was recently diagnosed with Breast cancer.  She's going through Kimo and we've never heard her complain, not even once.  Nevertheless, this is a frustrating persistent disease that takes still so little is known about.  Here's how you can help. 

http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR?fr_id=19898&pg=pfind

Visit this link and make a donation using her name, or the name of anyone else you know who may be walking this morning.  Christina's story is here as well.  Even you don't have the money she also takes prayers :-). 

When I consider...

In the quiet twilight, heads turned away. Lost in imaginings, these people I have been blessed to know so intimately gather their vaporous thoughts into mass. One, innocently, in naiveté, embracing the boyish thought of a man's strength. Another, the beauty of a flat world, it's hue and characters dead and flat on the page, resurrect themselves. Their tones warm. Their movement strung along and within the third dimension. Surrounded. Jovial. Specters of light and joy. The third, howling. Mischievous. Rolling with laughter. Nirvana in flesh! Absolved of pain. A stranger to the worries of this world. Her few years, and relentless spirit push against the weight of all that is wrong. Her confidence taunts deaths mysteriously absent sting.
A fourth! Dear God, a fourth so beautiful it makes me cry. An ache of joy that rattles me into surrender. There can be no doubt of You. These so called poor reflections so clear and bright I could no more deny them then I could deny my breath. Your people. Friends and strangers alike hear Your call. Your arms have many names. Your hands the hands of the humble. God in flesh. Today. Here. Now.

"i think we must have been exhausted" or "wisdom from the birds"

Sorry about the Title. We've been watching Rocky and Bullwinkle on Hulu lately, and at the end of each episode they would tell to tune in next time and give you 2 titles for the next episode. I suspect because they were not sure which one to go with.

So we said we'd post a more thorough update yesterday, but c'mon, if you know us, are you really surprised it was tonight, encroaching on midnight? apparently we were all exhausted, all the way down to eilidh, from all of the build up to, and then actual concert itself. the kids crashed on sunday night as soon as the baths were done, with tadhg camping out on the girl's floor...EFA: "He's sleeping here now mom, it makes him feel cozy and safe, because we, (meaning herself and niamh), are big and strong, and we pray to Jesus...his room is just full of Thomas trains, our room is full of God." thankfully they all stayed put, and eilidh did her usual thing and knocked out for 10 hours, snug as a bug...yes, we know how amazing that is, considering NONE of the others ever did this, even now! we soon followed suit.

yesterday morning was far too early, but it was amazing to wake up and really, truly know, that the burden was lifted. don't get me wrong, we were trusting, but there is always that weight in the back of your head or in my case, the pit of my lower intestine, that you just can't shake until it is over. and by over, i mean the concert/benefit/huge leap of faith turned even huger blessing, (and yes, i'm pretty sure "huger" is not a word...). but we knew that andrew could head straight to the bank and so much of the recent stress would be calmed. amazing!

and since it was monday, andrew had his class at columbia to teach, and that means downtown all day and into the evening. great for him, he really loves teaching, but the kiddos, not so much. tadhg was particularly inconsolable. even his faithful trains could not assuade the sadness...his daddy was GONE, and no matter what i said, the sorrow of a day without daddy was almost more than any 2 year old could bear. have we mentioned that he is the dramatic one? but we survived, and andrew made it home in time for bedtime stories, and the kids decided to make it night 2 of camping out all in one room. (at this rate, we could still be in our apartment in new york and they'd be happy!) andrew and i barely finished our nightly hulu fix before crashing too. oops, blog didn't get done...

on a side note, which we will probably have alot of, a silver lining to all of this joblessness, is that after years of daddy working crazy hours, they got to have the whole summer with him! now, if you ask andrew, this was probably more fun for them than him, considering the fact that he pretty much spent it running with niamh, toting eilidh wherever he went and alternately balancing efa and tadhg on his shoulders, (and i have to admit, that if you have to pick 2 of our kids to carry around on your shoulders all day, these are not the 2 to choose...they both got the engel family build and carrying them might as well be carrying a bag of wet cement!) at least he got a work out! he also got to enjoy the trails on the bike for the first time ever and is now hooked! we are so glad we got the trailer last year...i'd love to know how many miles we put on it this summer, all the while with tadhg telling andrew not to stand up to ride, "DANGER! YOU SIT DOWN! NOW!" our little safety expert, unless it is his own behaviour, then he is exempt from danger...because he's tadhg.
and just to be fair, andrew also put a pretty big dent in evening out the diaper changing score...but only a dent, i still have the high score. anyway, summer with dad, yet ANOTHER blessing! back to the main thought...if i can remember it.

ok, concert/benefit update. here it is.

(Andrew taking over writing duties from Sarah who's clearly drunk)

The concert was a huge success! Thank you for everyone who came out and also for those who donated online. We are now able to make a mortgage payment! Now we are only 2 months behind on our mortgage instead of 3, which keeps us from going into pre-foreclosure. There is a still a financial quagmire to crawl out of, but as of last week I went from 1 part-time job (teaching adjunct at Columbia), to 3 part-time jobs (Apple tech as Judson 3 days a week, Corporate video client wants to go into production). I think the technically definition of what I'm going through is called "under-employed", having part-time/contract work, but it feels like over-employment.
Back to the benefit. The show started at 3pm, but only a few of Greg's regulars were there. (Darn Bears and their close games!) Greg was ridiculous! By ridiculous I mean he was really good! He is one of the best guitar players I've seen live, and I seen a lot. By 3:30 people began to show up and it was a party. The party also reminded me of the stage of life I'm in now, and who my friends are. There were more small children than adults, and at one point Greg was heckled by a 3 year old. Luckily it's a church with large rooms and we were able to settle all the hooligans down and find something for them to do. All told my family and myself feel uber-blessed! We got to hear great music from a great guy, hang with our friends and some kind strangers, and be delivered from a nasty mess. 3 cheers! 1 for God, 1 for Greg, and 1 for you. Hip Hip Hooray!





^7-12 "But ask the animals what they think—let them teach you;
let the birds tell you what's going on.
Put your ear to the earth—learn the basics.
Listen—the fish in the ocean will tell you their stories.
Isn't it clear that they all know and agree
that God is sovereign, that he holds all things in his hand—
Every living soul, yes,
every breathing creature?
Isn't this all just common sense,
as common as the sense of taste?
Do you think the elderly have a corner on wisdom,
that you have to grow old before you understand life?

From God We Learn How to Live

^13-25 "True wisdom and real power belong to God;
from him we learn how to live,
and also what to live for.
If he tears something down, it's down for good;
if he locks people up, they're locked up for good.
If he holds back the rain, there's a drought;
if he lets it loose, there's a flood.
Strength and success belong to God;
both deceived and deceiver must answer to him.

Home Sweet Home, an update...

Praise God!!!!!! Thanks to all of you who donated, attended the concert, prayed and supported us...we have met our goal, almost to the penny! HUGE THANKS to Greg Boerner, he is a phenomenal musician and played an incredible show, and we are eternally grateful. We'll post a more complete update tomorrow, but for now, I think I will finally be able to sleep...